<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Therapy Through Thedas by Dyvania371</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25831279">Therapy Through Thedas</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dyvania371/pseuds/Dyvania371'>Dyvania371</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, M/M, Modern Girl in Thedas, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:15:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,456</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25831279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dyvania371/pseuds/Dyvania371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an unashamed self-insert story. My therapist recommends I write a story to work out my emotional and mental issues. Trigger warning now: PTSD, clinical depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, suicidal ideation, and sexual assault. These are the issues I'm dealing with. These are the issues I'll be addressing. That being said. This is a story about me, a cynical stoner with a heart of gold that gets stuck as the Herald of Andraste through a combination of a drug trip and deep meditation. With the powers of sarcasm, therapeutic care, and music she'll save Thedas. But can she save herself in the process? Maybe fall in love?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cassandra Pentaghast/Varric Tethras, Fen'Harel | Solas/Original Female Character(s), Iron Bull/Dorian Pavus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. WTF?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>***TRIGGER WARNING***<br/>drug use<br/>PTSD<br/>depression<br/>anxiety</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I woke up that day… no one knew what was going to happen. Understandable really, psychic gifts haven’t been developed in this modern age. I should probably back up. My name is Dyvania. I’m a 25-year-old author, singer, and artist. Or I would be if I were able to go about my life without the variety of mental illnesses beating down my mind like a crackhead without a fix. Which would be fine occasionally, right? Who doesn’t need a good knockdown every month or so… right? How else would you feel alive? Ha-ha… Unfortunately for me, it’s more of a toss-up for day to day. </p><p>Anyways, I woke up that morning with my usual routine. At about 4 am I woke up from night terrors. Watching the sunrise brought anxiety and peace in equal measure. Desperately I tried to get more than 4 hours of sleep. Usually, it took a medley of natural sleep aids and anti-anxiety pills combined with aromatherapy and a large amount of Indica to achieve that. Something I consider an achievement. It’s certainly better than trying to meditate or stare at the ceiling until the sun rises. </p><p>I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was a child. Insomnia started at around 6 years old. The depression has always been there. The anxiety is part of the PTSD I’ve developed over several traumatic, abusive relationships. I’m proud to admit that the eccentric parts are all me. As my therapist says,” Try to find at least one part of yourself to love today, and then find some more. You deserve to heal and be loved.” She’s amazing at her job and I try my best… most days. Some days you just run out of energy!</p><p>So, I turn on my music to help me wake up. I turn off my thunderstorm sleep sounds and proceed to try to calm down. Deep breathes. In… 1… 2… 3… 4… hold… 1… 2... 3… 4… out… 1… 2… 3… 4… over and over until I feel like I can move without vomiting. I follow my therapist’s instructions and place my hand over my heart while I say to myself “I am loved, I am safe, I am protected.” I sigh, a regular occurrence.</p><p>I don’t want to be awake, but I can’t trust my brain to go to sleep again. The morning light streams into my room. Freya; my rescued, loving, blonde, princess chow; farts and sneezes. Alerting me to her presence on the tile floor of my bathroom. With that much fur, it must be hot on her bed, I don’t blame her. Registering that she’s still sound asleep and I have a bit of time to myself, I check my phone and start vaping an energizing strain of THC oil. I don’t like doing it that early… I have a problem… maybe an addiction? Either way, it’s the only thing out of dozens of different medications that work for me.</p><p>What they don’t tell you about drugs in school is that being high is amazing. It’s Euphoric, especially if you spend most of your days in a clenched, clammy state. That’s how they get you. The drugs themselves can be prescribed or not; it doesn’t necessarily matter. When it becomes a crutch… something you need to go on… something you use to run away from your problems… that’s when it becomes a problem. I’m a strong believer in most things being ok if it’s in moderation. When I was just using it for some stress relief on some bad days and to sleep, maybe at a social gathering or two, it was fine. It was controlled. Lately, I find myself reaching for it as a first defense instead of being down the list a bit. </p><p>After an hour or so of that, I’m finally feeling calm and strong enough to get out of bed. Then comes the rest of the morning routine. Some days it feels like a mountain to accomplish. I proceed with an in-depth skincare routine to help me start some self- care for the day. My green eyes are accompanied by bags and dark circles. My skin shows the signs of my stress. I’m breaking out and look paler than usual. Even still I look myself in the eyes and say “You are beautiful. You deserve to be happy.” I don’t believe it in my heart yet. But I know that will come with time. At least, I know it today. Forgetting that is a normal occurrence. Completing my skincare routine to address these issues puts a smile on my face. Completing my dental care routine makes me feel more accomplished. Every day I do this. Sometimes it can be refreshing and others it’s an Olympic marathon. Slowly losing energy and feeling sad, I get dressed. Grabbing my morning medication and vitamins I wake Freya up. </p><p>She is a consistent source of light and unconditional love for me in this world. Her sweet honey brown eyes meet me as she begins to pant and wag her tail at my ear scritches. Soon she gets up to push her head into me as if to say “Good Morning! I love you!” I smile for her, always genuine. I love my baby girl. I grab her bowls, fill them up, let her outside, grab caffeine… Then I check in with my stomach. </p><p>‘Am I able to eat this morning?’ my stomach that was growling several hours earlier has now gotten to the state of nausea. I grab a protein bar, cereal, and yogurt. It’s hopeful if I’ll be able to eat all of this. I try my best and despite my stomach protests I manage to get it down and take my handful of pills. Mostly anti-anxiety, anti-depressants, and a lot of vitamins since I forget to eat sometimes. </p><p>The rest of my day passed similarly. I’m struggling to eat and getting high when I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack or emotional meltdown. This a bad mental health day for me. But I know that just gives it more power. “The first thought is learned behavior. The second thought is who you are.” Spontaneous helpful quotes aside I remind myself that I’m getting better with each passing day. It isn’t a race. Every day is a different stack of cards. Just make the most out of what you have. I did Yoga for an hour to connect with my body. I laid outside in the sun to get those happy chemicals going in my brain. I cleaned a small section of my room… And now I’ll give you rest. I tend to ramble and list things, so I don’t feel overwhelmed. But I bet reading this is even making you tired. I’m exhausted too. But that’s how we get stronger right? At least, I hope so. </p><p>At around 4 pm I decided it was time for more self-care. I started vaping a Hybrid strain for about an hour, put on a guided chakra healing meditation, and settled in against the wall of my room. My loving and kind Freya loves to keep me company whenever I perform anything related to my craft and mental health. She’s very intuitive about that. Plopping herself down next to my thigh, she sighs, gets comfortable, and makes sure to keep body contact with me while I do this. Taking several deep breaths begins to bring me out of my body and into my mind. I can smell the cinnamon incense I set burning on my altar. The binaural beats combined with natural forest sounds calm me. The high keeps me focused. I begin visualizing. </p><p>Breathe in, breathe out.<br/>Breathe in, breathe out.<br/>Melt the body. </p><p>I picture myself climbing down a ladder into my mind. Every breath brings me deeper until I no longer feel my body. I’m floating and peaceful. Picturing my chakras and my astral body I begin to form a cord of energy down to the center of the earth, grounding and connecting me to the world. As I breathe in, I picture white, glowing energy coming up from the earth and filling me with healing love. Every outbreath I expel everything that no longer serves me. I focus intently on letting go of my past. I go through each of my chakras beginning with the root. I cleanse, energize, and continue the process up to my spine until I reach my crown chakra. Imagining a rainbow light connecting from my crown to the sun completes the cycle of energy. </p><p>This meditation was about an hour long and usually provided me with more insight into my mind. I feel more able to solve my problems when I’m able to get to the root of them. Today felt a bit different though. At first, I thought it was the weed. Maybe I had taken too much? Normally I couldn’t reach this state of consciousness without it. ADHD brain makes that difficult. Suddenly I felt myself being yeeted through the metaphorical cosmic blender. </p><p>Was I dying? I didn’t know. “Do not worry child. You are safe.” A voice spoke out to me from the chaos. Neither male nor female, young, or old. Spoke might be the wrong word as well. More like this being simply made me aware of it’s thought. “You wish to become better? For years I have watched you suffer. For years I have tried to help. It seems you require a more transformative experience.” </p><p>What? Uh… no thanks? I think I’m doing fine. </p><p>“What you think is important but sometimes for people to change they need to experience something new. You’ve become numb to this world. Shall we fix that?”</p><p> What’s happening? Are you sure this will help? </p><p>“You will see. Remember to trust and love yourself. Let yourself be loved. I wouldn’t set you on this journey if I didn’t know you could handle it.” I felt a deep sense of unconditional love fill me. And everything went black. </p><p>The first thing I noticed when I came back into my body was the cold, stone floor beneath me. What? That wasn’t there before. I wasn’t wearing my pajamas anymore either. I was dressed in what seemed to be light mage armor. Luckily, it seemed crafted for warmth. A sudden blinding pain sprang forth from my left hand. It was as if I were dipped in acid and someone had decided to beat nails into would make me feel better. As I yelped in pain, I heard the slam of large wooden doors in front of me. Before my eyes stood a seething Cassandra Pentaghast. I quickly registered the situation I was in. <br/>‘Do not worry, I will guide you through this.’ I felt this sentence more than heard it. <br/>‘Umm…. Ok?’ I responded in my head…. Maybe don’t talk to voices in your head Dyv!?</p><p>“well… shit.” The words barely left my mouth before she charged at me. I heard the punch to my jaw before I felt the throbbing of a bruise beginning to develop. </p><p>“That is all you have to say” she spat at me through gritted teeth. “The Divine is dead. The conclave destroyed.” She grabbed my marked hand and shoved it into my face. “Explain this.” </p><p>“I…. I can’t” My mind was struggling to come to terms with whatever the hell was happening. This feels very real. But these characters are fictional… That punch sure felt real though. Time to go with the flow. Survive until I can take the time to think about this. My brain had already started down the spiraling path of what I consider bad habits. ‘Your therapist…. Um… Rose? Didn’t she tell you that you developed those as survival tactics during times of extreme stress?’ Thank you random thought/feeling/not my thoughts being. </p><p>“what do you mean you can’t?” Cassandra was losing the little patience she had to begin with.</p><p>“I mean. I don’t know what’s happening right now.” I tried desperately to think about what to say but the only words coming to mind was the script from the intro! Are you fucking kidding me!</p><p>“Do you remember what happened?” A calm and velvety voice came from the shadows. I gasped. I forgot she was also a part of this scene. I’m so fucked. As the panic began to take over a sudden wave of calm swept over me. ‘Here’s a bit of assistance. Go with your instincts.’ I took a deep breath and looked both in the eyes. This was going to be difficult. The truth then. Better than having them find out later. I hope I don’t get executed immediately for this. </p><p>“I know you won’t believe me. Think I’m crazy for all I care. But I can help.” Lives can be saved if I tell them the truth. That’s worth it. I was met with confused glances. “My name is Dyvania. The last thing I remember was meditating in my bedroom before waking up in a world that I fully believed was fictional.” Deafening silence. Maybe that was too blunt? No time to drop them gently into it though. People are dying as we speak.</p><p>“How dare you?!” Cassandra lunged at me again. Lucky for me Leliana stepped in. </p><p>“not now Cassandra. We need her.” She seethed in her armor but attempted to reign it in. “Head to the forward camp Leliana. I will take her to the rift.”</p><p> The rest of the scene played out as usual. At least I was honest. If I can stay alive long enough, maybe I’ll have the chance to prove it. Cassandra looked at me with suspicion and anger. “Get up” She unshackled me and retied my wrists with rope. I didn’t fight it. They need me alive for now. Might as well be on my best behavior and gather information. </p><p>Outside the chantry, I see the breach and gasp. “Holy shit.” Wide-eyed I look at the catastrophe before me. The game didn’t even come close to conveying the nightmare this is. Grey and green storm clouds formed in a circle around a dimensional vortex no VFX could portray. Thunder sounded off, but it was deeper, louder, it shook the very earth we were standing on. Well, Cassie was standing. As the thunder sounded my hand had exploded in pain. I saw black for a few seconds as my vison cleared on my knees. </p><p>“Every time the breach expands, your mark spreads.” She explained, surprisingly kindly, “And it is killing you. The pulses are coming faster now.” She helped me up and took me through Haven. So many people were outside. So many glares and scowls. I could feel their fiery hatred building inside me. I took a deep breath and released it. Care but don’t carry, I reminded myself. </p><p>“They are grieving our most holy, Divine Justinia. The conclave was hers. It was a chance for mages and templars to find peace. Now everything is gone.” Cassandra seemed to be protecting me from them oddly enough. They do need me, shit. “We lash out like the sky, but we must think beyond ourselves as she did.” Pulling out a dagger she released my bonds. “I can promise a trial but no more.” We began down to the valley. Priests were praying over the dead. “Maker! It’s the end of the world!” I heard a soldier shout as a group passed by us away from the breach. Looking at that hole in the sky was more than scary. It was a primal fear. Something in my monkey brain felt the same as those soldiers. Existential terror. Luckily, I was familiar with the feeling. Bravery is not the absence of fear. It’s being terrified and doing it anyway. I repeated this to myself as we walked up to the bridge. Cassandra continued to brief me on what was happening.</p><p>“Everything in the valley was laid waste. Rifts into the fade began appearing everywhere. Demons are ravaging this world.” Grimly spoken words. But I appreciated the honesty. Better to know what I’m in for. When we went to cross the bridge, I stopped us and shouted, “Get to the other side! Now!” with as much authority as I could muster. Soldiers ran quickly over and just narrowly missed the meteor that brought the bridge to pieces. </p><p>“How did you know that?” Cassandra was bewildered.</p><p>“I already told you. This world is fictional where I come from. I’ve seen this story dozens of times.” I sighed and turned to her. “I just want to make sure I can save as many lives as I can right now. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy or possessed.” Then I began to climb my way down the rubble.</p><p>Before she got the chance to respond two more meteors shot out from the breach. “More demons!” I warn her. A dark figure in rags burst forth from the ice.</p><p>“Get behind me!” Cassandra charges in, sword and shield ready, meeting the creature head-on. I barely had time to register the sounds of those claws on her shield when the other meteor landed in front of me. A similar creature sprouted before me. Looking behind me, I noticed two daggers and a staff. Running through my previous martial arts training I decided on the staff. Having no magical ability didn’t matter when you knew how to hit something with a big stick. I let my instincts and muscle memory take over as I felt my body fill with dread. The thing screeched and swung at my stomach.</p><p>No thanks, dude. I barely manage to dodge and bring the staff down as hard as I could onto its head. I was starting to wish I had continued my martial arts training and cardio routines. My heart was beating out of my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. As a tall, curvy, chubby woman I had a lot of weight to throw around. This also meant I had a lot to carry. This creature and I went back and forth for a few more breathes before Cassandra finally came to save me. Knowing what was coming I dropped my weapon when she arrived.<br/>“Drop your- “She turned and froze. Realizing I was holding my empty hands up to prove my point.</p><p>“I figured you wouldn’t want your prisoner to have a weapon.” Be as compliant as possible. Pretend you’re with one of your exes. You’ll make it through this alive. I ran through this in my head as she analyzed me for a moment. She sighed and put her sword away.</p><p>“No, it is dangerous here. I cannot expect you to be defenseless.” I waited until she nodded at me before picking up the staff and grabbing the daggers to strap to my belt. “I was unaware you were a mage.” Her eyes narrowed on me as I walked back to her.</p><p>“I’m not. There isn’t a fade at home, so I have no inherent connection too it. As far as I know.” I added. I had no idea how the mark was going to affect me. I’m essentially an alien species to this world. I hope I don’t die of some mystery Thedas plague that I have no immunity for. Cassandra handed me 8 tiny bottles of a red liquid, Shaking me from my train of thought.</p><p>“Here, I don’t know what we will be facing. These should help any injuries that may occur.” And with that, she began leading me through the valley. Keeping pace was a little tough. I wasn’t prepared to suddenly be on a frozen mountainside and my body was responding predictably.</p><p>“I should warn you that I don’t have a lot of actual combat experience. I’ve had about 7 years of martial arts training that fell to the wayside about for another 7 years. So, who knows what my body even remembers? I’ll try my best not to get in the way or die unexpectedly.” She needs to know this. Otherwise, she might think I’m more capable than I am. That would be a deadly mistake. Pride just gets in the way of survival sometimes.</p><p>I was met with another bewildered look. It seems she decided against asking me more details about that for now and merely nods. We come across more demons on the way through. Those battles go roughly the same way. Me trying desperately not to die while providing what little support I can. Cassandra being the beautiful warrior goddess she is was able to tank most of the damage for me. Telling her my skill level was good. We ended up forming this strategy that she would get the attention of the demons and I would flank and attack any demons in her blind spot. Then I’d call out her name and dodge until she rushed in to save me. What an amazing woman. I may not appreciate her temper, but I know she’s grieving right now. A tragedy has just occurred. I can empathize and give her some slack in this crisis.</p><p>We make our way as quickly as we can. “We are getting close to the rift. You can hear the fighting!” Cassandra rushed ahead. I didn’t need to ask to know who I was about to meet. I gulped and snuck onto the battlefield. I stuck with the same strategy as before while slowly making my way to the rift. I saw demons dropping quickly and when the last one disappeared, I raised my left palm. Instantly it connected. Acid crept through my hand and up my arm. With a pained yell, I closed my fist and the rift with it. I shook out my hand when suddenly cold fingers wrapped around my wrist. A cooling sensation spread over the pain. I tasted mint and something herbal on my tongue. The scent of a meadow on a summer day gently passed as quickly as it came. In a matter of moments, my hand felt significantly better. All I could do was stare in shock. I could hear Cassandra and Solas speaking in the background. I just had about a million questions. How? And so quickly? </p><p>“How did you do that?” I asked. Curiosity filled me. Suddenly, I felt like a child witnessing the world for the first time.</p><p>“I did nothing. The credit is yours.” My eyes met his. A blue so light it almost looked grey. I cleared my throat and nodded.</p><p>“You mean the mark. Thank you for helping with the pain just then. I appreciate it.” I was taught to always speak from a place of love, gratitude, and kindness when first meeting anyone. Old habits but I passionately believe that kindness should be far more common than it is. While I’m upset with his current choices, I can still treat him with compassion. Briefly I saw surprise and curiosity peek through his eyes before he returned to his stoic face.</p><p>” Whatever magic opened the breach in the sky also placed that mark upon your hand.” He explained. “I theorized the mark might be able to close the rifts that have opened in the breaches wake – and it seems I was correct.”</p><p>“Meaning it could also close the breach itself” Cassandra sounded hopeful.</p><p>“possibly.” Solas was cautious. Understandable. He’s trying to toe the line of being helpful and not exposing his own involvement. “It seems you hold the key to our salvation.”</p><p>“Good to know! Here I thought we’d be ass-deep in demons forever. Varric Tethras: rogue, storyteller, and occasionally unwelcome tagalong.” He winked at Cass causing her signature groan. I love these people so much! I couldn’t hold back the little giggle. This resulted in a small glare from Cassandra. </p><p>“That’s a beautiful crossbow you have there. My name is Dyvania, otherwise known as the otherworlder trying not to die.” I put out my hand to shake. He almost laughed but a look from Cass seemed to let him know I was serious. </p><p>“um… ok then. Bianca here will be great company in the valley.” A go with the flow kind of man. But I could tell he was going to ask me about that later. </p><p>“Definitely not!” Cass clearly didn’t want him to come along. I think she is tired of his company at this point. </p><p>“Have you seen the valley lately Seeker? Your soldiers aren’t in control anymore.” He waved around at the carnage to prove his point. “You need me.” </p><p>“My name is Solas if there are to be introductions. I am pleased to see you still live.” His velvet voice interjected. So much better to listen to here than on screen. </p><p>“What he means is he kept that mark from killing you while you slept.” Varric kindly informed me.</p><p>I turned to face him and offered my hand to shake. He took it gently. “Thank you for that. I appreciate that you didn’t let me die. Hopefully, I can help all of you with the same.” After a moment of stunned looks Cassandra led us further down into the valley. Not enough time for chatting. The game was a little more generous about the amount of time you have to get your shit together. </p><p>As I hopped over the little fence to follow everyone the klutz in me finally kicked in. I had wondered why I hadn’t slipped yet. Of course, I go full “ass over tea kettle” and slide my way down the hill and straight into the armored shade. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” my immediate response ladies in gentleman was to scream and flail off it. As I rolled to the ground the shade swiped right into my ribcage. I tasted the mint just before a barrier wrapped around me. With that luck the claws only ripped through the robes. </p><p>Just like that everyone sprung into action. Cass charged in to gather the attention of the four demons in our path. I ran out of the way quickly. Don’t want to get in the way of the tank. Varric disappeared, my only clue to his location were the bolts finding their mark. Solas fade stepped nearby and covered barriers for everyone. Within a few moments the demons were cleared. </p><p>“So, Deathwish, you want to explain how the fuck you managed NOT to die?” Varric’s remark brought me out of my shock induced state. Wait? Deathwish? Badass. </p><p>“I’m just talented like that?” I wrung my hands and tried not to make eye contact. That was horrible and embarrassing. “I’m sorry about that. I’ll watch where I’m going more carefully.” I took a deep breathe to regain some calm. </p><p>“You did warn me. But I didn’t realize it was that bad.” Cass was trying her best not to giggle. Most would think her angry. But having played through so many times, I know she’ll be laughing about this later.</p><p>“An escort mission then.” I remarked apologetically. </p><p>I took a step forward and immediately slipped on the ice. Luckily Solas seemed to be feeling extra nice and caught me. Quite gently I might add. His fingers grazed the exposed the skin on my side as he pulled me up. As my face begins to turn red from embarrassment this man has the fucking audacity to pick me up bridal style. “My apologies, but we don’t have a lot of time for this.” He almost seemed to smile down at me. </p><p>Fucking what?! What kind of out of character bullshit is this?! All I could do was nod and look up at him with all my confusion. Then everyone just takes off to the other side where he puts me down and we rush up the stairs. I’m just stunned he was able to do that. I’m 6” tall and weigh about 250 pounds. I’m a curvy, chubby woman with muscle underneath. I’m heavy. I’m well aware. NO ONE has EVER just casually picked me up and fucking JOGGED! </p><p>Varric pulls me out of my simping. “So… Did you do it?” </p><p>“Ah, the golden question. Unfortunately, I doubt I was even here for the explosion. My guess is the breach ripped me from my world and threw me here.”<br/>“You’re really sticking to that ‘otherworlder’ thing huh?” Varric was extremely suspicious of me. That hurt a little, but I understood. I’m suspect number one and I’m spouting what is, according to him, crazy bullshit. </p><p>“I hope I survive long enough to prove it.” I replied. It wasn’t worth arguing over right now. With that we focused on making our way to camp. I stayed in the back. Solas seemed to take the job of babysitting the weakling. I felt bad for them. They’re in the middle of a terrorist attack/ natural disaster and their only hope is a sarcastic stoner that doesn’t have enough skill to fight but just enough to get herself killed. I gulped when I remembered the Pride demon. Shit. How the fuck am I going to stop the breach from spreading if I just fucking die from one electric whiplash. I need to give them this info at the forward camp. The anxiety in my stomach wants me to lay low. But my heart wants to try to save as many as possible. Images of being burned at the stake floated through my mind as I closed the rift in front of the camp. This was going to be… interesting to say the least. </p><p>“The thing on your hand is useful.” Varric commented while he and Cassandra walked into the camp. </p><p>“You are getting quite proficient at this.” Solas remarked a little more warmly than I expected. Alarm bells began going off. Why is he treating me to warmly? There’s a difference between showing kindness to a stranger because you’re guilty and treating them like a long-lost friend. I’m not mad about it, I’m just suspicious. He grabbed my hand and healed it again. </p><p>“Thank you.” My voice was almost caught in my throat. I’m unaccustomed to this much activity, stress, and now the man I expected to treat me rather coldly being a strange human with ‘his’ mark on my hand is treating me nicely. Either I’m vulnerable to this kind of manipulation (likely) or something is going on that I don’t know about (also likely). He stayed by my side as we walked through camp, seeming to help everyone else keep a small distance.</p><p>Chancellor Roderick greeted us “Ah, here they come.”</p><p>“You made it.” Leliana walked up to Cass. She seemed relieved. “Chancellor Roderick this is-“</p><p>“I know who she is. As Grand Chancellor of the Chantry, I hereby order you to take this criminal to Val Royeaux to face execution.” Our Grand Chancellor meant well but was certainly a bit of a rude asshole in an emergency. I’m no offended though. No time for pleasantries when the world is ending. </p><p>Cassandra however was quite offended. “Order me! You’re a glorified clerk!” She stepped forward with the full force of her glare and spat out, “A bureaucrat.”<br/>“And you are a thug, but a thug who supposedly serves the chantry.” Roderick’s venom matched hers. Brave man, or maybe just stupid. </p><p>“We serve the Most Holy, Chancellor, as you well know.”  Leliana tried to get the conversation back on track. I could tell she was annoyed with the chancellor. Trauma induced deep understanding of body language and a deep character study of these people have certainly lent me a good understanding of them right now. </p><p>“Justinia is dead! We must elect a replacement and obey her orders on the matter.” He just wouldn’t quit. But he’s emotionally driven right now and panicking about the safety of the world. I can give him a small pass here. He and I are basically civilians in awkward positions in the middle of a warzone.</p><p>“What about the giant hole in the sky?” I interjected. Seemed like a good spot to insert myself in here. </p><p>“You’re the one who caused this in the first place!” His angry glare turned to me and unfortunately, I had a triggered response. I flinched hard and brought my arms crossed in front of me. I took a deep breath. “I understand that is the only logical conclusion right now considering there is little evidence to the contrary. However, we have bigger things to worry about right now. Ill be more than happy to prove my existence as soon as the immediate danger is over.” I could tell they were going to interject with there ideas. Normally I wouldn’t be so rude as to interrupt, but people were dying while we argued.</p><p>“You don’t have to fully believe me but simply know this. There are rifts on both the mountain path and with the soldiers in the pass. Leliana, some of your scouts are still alive up there and can be rescued. I suggest we go that path and close that rift and then circle around to the rift in the pass that Commander Rutherford is coordinating to keep at bay. This way we keep those areas safe for any other survivors, scouts, and soldiers to pass through onto haven to reach some level of safety. Assuming Ambassador Montilyet has organized medical tents for that purpose. Then we proceed onto the temple with as much of this army as we can muster to converge on the breach. I won’t be able to close it but, hopefully, I can stop it from growing for now. As our dear fade expert will tell you when we arrive the rift below the breach is sealed but no closed. I’ll have to open it to close it properly. This will attract the attention of a rather large pride demon. Accompanying it at a variety of times during the battle will be some lesser demons, about 9- 12 in total depending on how long it takes us to take down the pride demon. It will guard itself well so I’ll have to disrupt the rift during the battle multiple times in which all the demons will target me to prevent me from doing so. I would appreciate a lot of support through all three of these battles. I have just enough skill to get myself killed and you’ll need me to use this mark on other rifts until this breach is closed.” As I finished this monologue, I could see Chancellor Roderick staring at me with both fury and fear. That seemed to be all the evidence he needed to kill me right then. Leliana was staring at me with calculating eyes. She was the first to respond. “Then we shall proceed with this plan. I’m sure you’re aware of what will happen to you if you are wrong.” That last sentence was laced with an icy venom I felt in my soul. I nodded, aware that if the world weren’t ending and I weren’t the one needed I would be tortured for information right now. And I know just how creative she can be. All of that locked away empathy lets you know who to get into the depths of someone’s very soul. </p><p>“You’re just going to follow her!” Roderick was understandable upset by this idea. </p><p>“She hasn’t been wrong so far.” Cassandra backed me up, surprisingly. My guess is she was supporting whatever plan the Nightingale had come up with just now. Years of working together have given them a deep understanding of each other. </p><p>Leliana Got the attention of two scouts that she briefed quickly before sending them off. We set off with Cassandra taking the lead.</p><p>“On your head be the consequences Seeker.” Chancellor Roderick yelled after us. When we got out of earshot I blurted out, “I know you had no reason to support this idea but thank you. I genuinely believe this will save the most lives.” </p><p>“You’re the one with the mark and we were not coming to a decision on our own. Your input was appreciated.” She seemed to be struggling with complimenting me on taking charge and still thinking I’m a suspect. I decided to leave her alone for now.</p><p>We marched through the snow several inches deep. Luckily I managed to fall into this world with the appropriate kind of clothing. I found that quite odd. Then I realized and full on face palmed. “Of course, I was passed out! If I were in the explosion my clothing would have been severely burned! God, I feel dumb.” </p><p>“You also had many burns across your body.” Solas added with a smirk. </p><p>I slammed my hand on my mouth. “I said that out loud…” </p><p>“Yes, you did.” I thought I heard a small laugh covered by a cough from Varric’s direction. </p><p>“They had to cut some of the clothing off of you.” Cass added.</p><p>“… oh. Uh… I’m sorry? I don’t quite know why I’d apologize for that, but it feels right.” I blurted that out quickly and focused on not tripping in the snow. </p><p>“Are you apologizing for being injured in the blast?” Varric seemed changed his attitude about me. Or at least decided being friendly to get more information was a clever idea. I respected that. I’d probably do the same. <br/>“Uh… yeah. Sorry. I apologize a lot. Bad habits you know?” I responded trying to keep my voice casual but my stress response from earlier was still going through my system. My first reaction to overwhelming emotions was to bury it until I’m numb or explode. Of course, that only serves to prolong them. My therapist helped me be more aware of my tendency to do this, but I’ve been doing it for so long that I have to work really hard to not do it. Right now, this experience is just too stressful to even try to deal with them right now. </p><p>We got to the ladders and I froze for a moment. I forgot that I am absolutely terrified of heights… fuck. Cass started up first, ever focused that one. Varric next. Solas was the only one to notice my hesitation. “Is everything alright?” he asked.  </p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. I just remembered that heights and I don’t really mix well together.” I sighed heavily and took a deep breath. “Oh well. Not like my fears matter right now anyway.” The I threw myself up the ladders as quick as I could. </p><p>All of us made it up rather quick. Although I was the only one out of breath. Shakily I warned, “demons ahead.” They readied themselves and burst in there while I tried to calm down my lungs. By the time my breathing was under control they were done. I jogged to catch up. We made our way systematically like that throughout the cave area until we reached the other side. </p><p>“Shit.” Varric grimly noted. </p><p>“This cannot be all of them” Cassandra looked on the bodies sadly. </p><p>I was no stranger to death. I followed them out murmuring a prayer for their souls. “may you find safety and peace on the other side.” Then louder. “The rift is up ahead. They are fighting it right now. We should hurry.”</p><p>Everyone prepared themselves as we rush in to help. The terror demons wasted no time in popping over to greet Cass with their claws. Luckily, she was ready for them. Varric popped into stealth and provided support while Solas provided barriers and tried to control the battlefield as much as possible. While they had the demons distracted, I focused on strafing the side of the battle until I was close enough to disrupt the rift. I saw the demons fall over stunned. This gave the scouts and our main party an advantage they quickly took advantage of. In moments, the battle finished. </p><p>“Second round!” I shouted before they relaxed. With everyone prepared this time the three shades and two terror demons were held back until I stunned them again. Swiftly they were defeated, and I was able to close the rift. Barely a moment passed to catch our breath when one of the scouts bowed to Cassandra.</p><p>“Thank the maker you finally arrived, Lady Cassandra. I don’t think we could have help out much longer.”</p><p>“Thank our prisoner, Lieutenant. She insisted we come this way.”</p><p>“The prisoner? Then you…?”</p><p>“It was worth saving you if we could.” I placed my fist over my heart and bowed. </p><p>Cassandra pointed back the way we came. “The way into the valley behind us is clear for the moment. Go, while you still can.”</p><p>With that order they were off and certainly didn’t need to be told twice. We continued our way down. “The next rift has about six demons they are currently fighting. Let’s move quickly.” Making our way down the steps silently we ignored the temple entrance for now and turned right to head to the second rift. Cass pulled herself up easily and immediately turned to grab Varric and help him up. Solas hopped up and did the same for me. Again, he was able to lift me so easily I almost froze in shock. They went straight into the battle routine we had at the last rift. Solas kept a barrier on everyone while escorting me to the rift. I focused on disrupting the rift while everyone fought around me. I hated being so useless, but I was happy I could at least help with this. With rounds one and two completed I closed the rift.</p><p>“Seeker, you found a way to close the rifts.” Cullen stepped forward immediately. </p><p>“It was not me. This is the prisoner’s doing.”</p><p>“Is that so? We’ve expended a lot of resources to get you through here. I hope your plan works.” He warned me. I nodded. Message received, again. </p><p>“I hope so as well. I will put everything I have into closing the breach.” I repeated the bowing gesture. Best to be polite. Cullen led his injured soldiers back to camp while we went straight for the temple.</p><p>“That is where you fell out of the rift.” Cassandra helpfully pointed out too me. No one said anything but from their body language it seemed like they were starting to believe me. Or at least give me the benefit of the doubt, for now. As we walked in we were greeted with the scent of burned flesh. Bodies frozen in their last moments littered the wrecked hallway. Being desensitized to dead bodies was one thing. It was entirely different to smell it. I could see smoke still drifting off them. Bodies of all sizes and ages were still burning. I felt a hand stroke my arm comfortingly. </p><p>I didn’t realize it but I had frozen in shocked horror in the hallway. Cassandra was the one to bring me out of it. Her hand stayed there for another moment before patting me softly and walking up to the breach. I felt Varric pat the small of my back as he passed by. I took a deep breath and made my way forward. </p><p>“It is just as Dyvania said. She will have to open it.” Solas confirmed for Cassandra. She turned to me.</p><p>“This is your chance to end this. Are you ready?”</p><p>“As ready as I’ll ever be. I hope I live to see that trial.” Nervous laughter escaped my lips.</p><p>“You made it!” Leliana jogged up to Cassandra. </p><p>“Have them set up positions around the temple.” She replied, her tone relieved to see Leliana safe as well. </p><p>While the Nightingale set that up, we began making our way around to find a way down. Red lyrium was bursting from the ground everywhere. </p><p>“You know this is red lyrium Seeker?” Varric’s worried tone carrying from the back.</p><p>“I can see it Varric.”</p><p>“But what’s it doing here?”</p><p>“Magic could have drawn Lyrium up from beneath the temple; corrupted it.” Solas supplied.</p><p>Varric growled. “It’s evil. Don’t touch it.” Just then a loud voice boomed from the rift. </p><p>“Keep the sacrifice still.” It was deep. I don’t know what it was about it but it sounded sickly. Not like Corypheus was sick but that his voice carried it. It made me shiver in disgust. Cassandra met eyes with Solas and I. </p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>“Echoes of what happened here. The fade bleeds into this place.” Solas answered.</p><p>“That’s the guy who created the breach.” I replied. “Once we get down there, we should be able to see what happened. The fade will show us.” </p><p>“Someone! Help me!” <br/>I noticed Cassandra’s gasp. “That was divine Justinia’s voice!” We rushed a little faster. To my surprise my voice came next. </p><p>“What’s going on here?”</p><p>“That was your voice. Most holy called out to you but…”</p><p>Just then my hand crackled and I yelped in pain. A memory began to play before us in the rift. A dark figure with red eyes held Justinia hostage. “Somebody! Help me!” She called out desperately. </p><p>The sickening voice spoke again, “Keep the sacrifice still.”</p><p>Suddenly I see myself form in a flash of bright light. It filled me with a sense of purity when I saw it. “What the fuck? What’s going on here?” My shaky voice echoed for everyone to hear. </p><p>“Run while you can. Warn them.” Her voice as shaky as my own. </p><p>The shadow pointed to me, “We have an intruder. Slay her.” Then the vision disappeared. </p><p>Cass rounded on me. “You were there! Who attacked? And the Divine is she…? Was this vision true? What are we seeing?”</p><p>I just shook my head. “I have no idea what happened there. I don’t remember that at all. The person attacking is Corypheus. He’s an ancient darkspawn magister. The first darkspawn. He claims to be one of the magisters who entered the golden city.” My heart was racing. What the actual fuck?! My theory was that the fucking breach brought me here. So much for that idea. </p><p>“I’m sure we can discuss this after we seal the breach.” Solas added. Cass clearly didn’t want to let this go for now but after a deep breath she pulled out her sword, “Stand ready!” She ordered for everyone to hear. I raised my hand to the rift. The pain aside I felt what almost seemed like a door handle. I pulled my hand towards me and immediately the pride demon hopped out. Its arrogant laughter rang out as electricity burst out around him. I disrupted the rift while it was distracted. With a grunt of surprise, it fell stunned while the inquisition swiftly descended upon it. Not to be upstaged by a mere mortal it stood and shot a lighting ball directly at me. Shit. I felt a barrier cover me as I jumped out of the way. Learning how to fall and roll in Kuk Sool Won was like riding a bike. My muscle memory took over and I just barely managed to dodge it and roll directly into the claws of a shade. I felt my shoulder burn and an icy dread gripped my stomach. Within moments Solas fade-stepped to my rescue; grabbing me and fad stepping a safe distance away while Varric took care of the shade.<br/>Solas deposited me safely behind a larger stone before heading back to the battle. I checked my wound. Bleeding. Looking at my robes I ripped a length of the end off and wrapped it tightly around my shoulder. That’s the best I can do for now. I took a small moment to catch my breath. Take a not Dyv, if you survive, start training as hard as you can. This is just ridiculous. Looking over at the battle I felt relieved. We had far more in numbers since I closed both rifts and were faring much better then in the game. It was just me screwing up. Unfortunately, I couldn’t connect to the rift from here. I snuck forward as best I could and disrupted the rift again. This time I just immediately ran for cover as soon as it was done. Best not get in the way or die. Looking out I saw that strategy seemed to help. After about two more rounds of that the pride demon finally fell. I connected to the rift and tried to push further into the breach. Instantly the physical exhaustion of the past few hours caught up with me. The breach seemed like it was stretching and pulling me too far in every direction. It was too much. The edges of my vision darkened as I fell unconscious.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is officially fully completed. Enjoy! I'll be working on the second chapter and posting its progress when it's ready.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Ever Forward</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The completed version of Chapter two</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>******Trigger Warning******<br/>I talk about my mental health and briefly go over some of the abuse I've gone through including:<br/>Self-harm<br/>Domestic Abuse<br/>Rape</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing I remember was the crackling of a fire and then the warmth of it. The smell of herbs and wood drew me to open my eyes. Shaking my head to clear some of the fog I then rubbed my eyes. I was in different clothing again. Inquisijamas… that formed around every curve… I don’t mind showing off my body. However, I only enjoy it when it’s my choice. This added some body image related stress that I promptly shoved to the back of my mind. “Later,” I murmured to myself. “I’ll deal with it later.”</p><p>The cabin looked exactly as it did in the game but with graphics turned up to “real”. Now that my imminent death wasn’t upon me, I took the chance to center myself with some deep breaths, but it didn’t seem to help with the anxiety… shit. That’s right. It’s been three days. That’s means I’ve been off my meds for 3 days…. Crap… not good. I’ll have to try to broach this subject with Solas. Putting aside his odd behavior he’s the only one who might know how to send me back besides Flemeth. I’m not confident enough in myself to not get killed talking to her. Hopefully, I can explain this well enough to get some help. The last thing this world needs is for the Herald to be more mentally unstable than I already am. </p><p>Luckily for me years of abusive relationships combined with not being neurotypical has given me some halfway decent masking skill. Unfortunately, I’ll still come off as strange. Most people don’t want to take the time to understand how much of a struggle it is for me to try to function in a way that doesn’t make everyone think I’m a little erratic. Then they distance themselves. Of course, that’s made it difficult for me to express myself in most ways. I either give too much information or too little. Without my medication my mood swings will be worse. My anxiety will be able to catch me off guard far more easily. My thoughts will be far more scattered and erratic. I’ll be unable to pull my focus. I might hyper-fixate on things I don’t need to. I’ll have to expend a lot of energy today to push those back. Once I reach my limit, I might start disassociating hardcore and probably drinking to try to relax. “I have the skills to help myself. Just breathe. Take things one step at a time. Go easy on yourself. Maybe limit yourself to three drinks. Ask if there are things to smoke.” I repeated that to myself until I felt I could deal with the next few hours. </p><p>The door opened suddenly and made me jump out of my skin. I yelped a bit. The small heart attack only increased when I saw it was Solas who entered. He froze in the doorway before clearing his throat, “I apologize. I didn’t know you were awake.”</p><p>“That’s ok. I’m just… readjusting.” I trailed off. I knew we needed to talk but I was not prepared. I needed some more hours to practice whatever I was going to say to make sure I could be understood clearly. Now I’ll just sound crazy and may not explain myself properly. Wide- eyed and still I watched him walk over to the desk and sit down. “I came to check on your progress.” He seemed to be struggling with what he wanted to say. We sat in a period of awkward silence until he spoke again. </p><p>“There are many things we’ll need to talk about but for your health I suggest we go over it slowly and clearly. Ask as many questions as you wish.” He smiled softly at me which only deepened my confusion. I was on the edge of my seat. He took a deep breath. I felt his magic al around to room and saw him draw a variety of symbols in the air. Suddenly it was a lot quieter in the cabin. That was when I realized it was because I couldn’t hear the commotion of Haven outside. “That should give us some more privacy. I’ll start with the most distressing and move to the most relieving.” He was taking great care to gently walk me through this. An effort greatly appreciated but made me wonder if that’s some thing he knew about me or if that’s a skill built up from leading a rebellion. </p><p>“When you attempted to close the breach it only stopped it from growing. In the process of connecting with the rift your worst and best memories began to flow into the minds of the inner circle of the inquisition. All of us were able to recall facts about you and what you know about us.” I started there but he put his hand up. “Our secrets seem to be safe from each other. It’s more as if we are aware of how well you know each of us.” </p><p>“Apparently well enough to know I’d be worried about that…” I replied cautiously. I was beginning to feel like a cornered animal and wrapped my arms around myself. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. </p><p>“I am deeply sorry. This is my fault. No one should have the privacy of their own mind violated in such a way.” When I gathered enough courage to look at him, his head was in his hands. He seemed to be wrestling with something inside himself. When he looked at me it was as if he had finally come to a decision. “You are no longer a suspect. Everyone is reacting to this in diverse ways. From what I have learned of you, I know you’ll want to talk to all of us individually about this. Take as much time as you need to process. If you need a place to escape, then please come visit me. I take full responsibility for this.” I didn’t get a chance to respond before he seemed to disappear inside himself and retreat out of the cabin. </p><p>Well… shit. The shock of this information began to pass as panic began to set in. My breathing and heart rate and already picked up their pace. This was my absolute worst nightmare. I know guarding myself is no way to make friends, but I am a person that needs a lot of time to feel safe enough to begin peeling back the layers. Too many have manipulated me and tried to take advantage of my empathetic nature. As my hands began to shake the door opened again. I was too caught up in my panic to notice who is was. I closed my eyes and tried to take some deep breaths. </p><p>“One of my agents let me know you were awake.” Leliana’s soft voice made me open my eyes. She smiled softly at me. “May I come closer?” I nodded and she sat down next to me. “Can I touch you?” I nodded again. Unable to speak. I was too overwhelmed and confused. Gently her arms wrapped around me as she pulled me to her shoulder. Her hand rubbed small circles into my back. “When Divine Justinia was still Mother Dorathea she would comfort me in moments like this. I guessed that Solas would tell you what happened.” She continued to hold me and guide me through breathing exercises until I was relatively calm. Then she released me. “We have a lot in common, you and I. We shall see you later, no?” </p><p>I cleared my throat, “Yes… and… Thank you.” With that she nodded her head and made her way out. Alright Dyv, it’s time to be an adult and do adult things. There’s a hole in the sky and an ancient magister to take care of. The world won’t wait for me to be ready. I made my way out forcing my back straight and my head high. Everyone was staring at me. It made me quite uncomfortable. The cold, mountain air gave me an excuse to pick up my pace until I made it to the chantry. Haven was much bigger here than in the game, but I figured if I followed the trail of chantry sisters than I would find my way there. As soon as I saw a building bigger and slightly fancier than the others, I knew I had made it. </p><p>As I entered the building stopped to let my eyes adjust before making my way to the war room. I had ignored Roderick’s shouting but when I approached the door, “The breach is still in the sky! For all you know she intended it this way!”</p><p>“I do not believe that.” Responded Cass dryly. I decided to crash the party. </p><p>“Chain and prepare her for Val Royeaux immediately.” The Chancellor exclaimed.<br/>
“Disregard that.” Cass ordered. They followed her instructions, shutting the door behind them.</p><p>Chancellor Roderick seemed to be reaching his boiling point. Red faced through gritted teeth, “You’re taking her side? What of her survival? The mark on her hand?” </p><p>“Divine providence. The maker sent her too us in our darkest hour.” Cass glanced at me and nodded. “You proved your innocence at the temple.” I felt relieved, doubting that I’d live through a trial. I knew this happened for the herald, but I still don’t know how closely this world is following the story. I turned to face Chancellor Roderick. I know he won’t be able to listen right now, but it may aid me later.</p><p>“Chancellor Roderick,” I bowed respectfully, “I know you have no reason to believe that I wasn’t responsible for the explosion. However, I do ask that you consider putting that suspicion aside for now. The breach is still in the sky and I intend to close it. Having your aid in this matter will help us save more lives.”</p><p>Unfortunately, he wasn’t having any of it. “How dare you?! You caused this mess! I-“</p><p>“Chancellor,” Leliana interrupted, ”We have eliminated her as a suspect.” She narrowed her icy glare on him. This brokered no argument. “Perhaps the person who did this died in the explosion,” She continued, “Or have allies who yet live.”</p><p>“I’m a suspect.” He was incredulous and appalled at the very idea.</p><p>“You… and many others.”</p><p>“But not the prisoner?”</p><p>Cassandra slammed a thick, leather bound book on the table. I about jumped out of my skin. The angry man already had my nervous system on high alert. “Do you know what this is?” Cass asked him as she leveled her fiery gaze on him next. I did not envy him. “A writ from the Divine commanding us to act.” She approached him as a lioness her prey. “We will close the breach, find those responsible, and restore order to Thedas.” She punctuated each point with another step forward causing Roderick to step back each time. “With or without your approval.” She dismissed him from the room. What a goddamn queen of a woman. Chancellor Roderick swiftly exited the chantry; barely disguising his unease with his anger. Immediately my body began to shake.</p><p>I jumped again when a gloved hand fell upon my shoulder gently. “Take a moment to breathe.” Cass patted my shoulder again. “We’ll continue once you’ve got your bearings.” I felt weak. Are you kidding Dyv? This is what we’re doing today? There are going to be no shortage of screaming men. You’re in a fucking war camp! You’re in the middle of a natural disaster! Get your shit together! I closed my eyes took several deep breaths to slow my heart rate. I imagined violently shoving my emotions in a little box. Then I taped that box shut and catapulted it as deep as I could. I’ll have to deal with a potential breakdown when I’m in a safe and private place. For now, I open my eyes and nod to let them know we can continue. “I’m sorry. Thank you for that.”</p><p>“No need. You are still adjusting to this world.” Leliana commented, seeming completely fine with the idea. Cassandra looked at me with a mixture of pity and respect. An unusual combination. I was expecting more suspicion. Time to work this all out then. Leliana put her hand up to stop me as soon as I opened my mouth.</p><p>“Why don’t you take the next few days to get comfortable?” she offered. “It will take a few weeks to get the inquisition up and running. I’m sending scouts into the hinterlands right now. It seems a good place to start.” </p><p>I nodded and everyone dispersed. To my surprise Varric was waiting for me outside the Chantry. He smiled kindly at me and waved me over.</p><p>“So, Deathwish, guess we need to find you a new nickname huh?” He clapped my arm. “Come on. I’m sure your hungry.” As if on cue my stomach rumbled nauseatingly. We made our way down the path. Everyone in Haven seemed to stare at us, for a variety reasons. Most stopped to wave or say hi to Varric but as soon as they saw me a small flash of fear and reference flashed in their eyes before bowing in some way to me. It made me extremely uncomfortable. Something he picked up on evidently. </p><p>“So… I guess we know each other pretty well huh?” If I weren’t looking for it, I may not have noticed the barest tremor in his voice.</p><p>I laughed bitterly. “I guess so. That’s something I know makes you just as uncomfortable as it makes me. Especially since the manner of you coming upon that information was… jarring… to say the least.”</p><p>A low chuckle escaped him. “You can say that again. A damn hole in the sky that spits out demons is enough to deal with.” He sighed. “And whatever that… fade stuff… was, well, that shit was just weird.”</p><p>I nodded. “yup. Weird shit. As soon as I emotionally recover, I will have a million questions for Solas.”</p><p>“Another fade nut?” At first, I thought he was disapproving, “That makes sense. From what I’ve been able to make sense of, you really enjoy learning.” He opened the door to the tavern, and I was immediately greeted with the smell of sweat, alcohol, and the heavy wood that made the building. I have an overly sensitive sniffer. I forced myself to breathe it in to acclimate to the smell while Varric led us to a table by a window. The tavern was a lot bigger. There were almost twenty small tables and at least twice as many chairs. People of all races packed the open space. I sat down where Varric tugged me too. I was too busy taking in my surroundings. Men and women drank, ate, and sang together.</p><p>“Sure is lively here isn’t it? Seems morale has gone up.” I noted.</p><p>“Ever since you stopped the breach from growing, they have a little bit more hope.” Two pints of ale were placed in front of us along with a bowl of stew and bread. I looked up just in time to see the recognition on her face.</p><p>“Maker! You’re the Herald!” She bowed deeply. You could almost hear a pin drop with how the silence crept over the tavern. “Thank you for saving us from the breach.” She added. Panic filled me. What the fuck was I supposed to do?! I didn’t want to be rude but I also didn’t want to be treated like this. I took a deep breath. Time to nip this in the bud right now. </p><p>“Flissa, please stand up.” I tried to be as relaxed as possible. “You really don’t need to do that.” I remembered something suddenly. “Thank you for the food and drinks. Are there some chores I can help you with to pay you? I don’t have any money.” I laughed nervously.</p><p>Flissa sputtered in front of me. I then witnessed what seemed to be a Thedas version of a complete system reboot for the tavern. </p><p>“No need. It’s on me.” Varric saved me. That seemed to break the tension. Flissa bowed again and swiftly retreated to the other side of the bar. Other than a few odd looks everything went back to normal. </p><p>“Thank you.” I stared into the stew. </p><p>“No worries. I’m sure Josephine has sent for several books to start your ‘education’. When she recovered from the shock, she started making list after list of things you’d need to learn about.” He teased. </p><p>I was both nervous and excited about that. I always wanted to learn more about this world. However, my severe ADHD made that hard in school. I grew up believing I was stupid until I learned how my brain worked. Hopefully, I can explain well enough. “That sounds daunting. I’ll do my best.”</p><p>“Don’t worry,” he reassured me. I started in on the stew. “I didn’t understand everything but from what I saw, you are highly educated. Should be simple for you.” Sipping his ale he began to recount a story about Hawke and the gang at The Hanged Man. This took all of the attention off of me. I focused on Maryden’s music to relax for a bit. That, the story, and the food managed to release much of the lingering tension. I still felt nauseous, but I no longer felt like I needed to run for the hills. I finished my meal and Varric went straight into another story to give me room to escape the tavern. Stopping for a moment to catch my breath I ducked into an alleyway. It was certainly nice not having to explain the more difficult aspects of my mind. It was incredibly kind of him to do that for me. While I still had some of that partial calm, I started allowing my more logical mind to drown out the anxiety. Then I placed my hand on my heart and visualized talking too my inner child. </p><p>“Everything is ok. You are loved. You are smart. You are capable. Bravery is not the absence of fear. It is being terrified and doing it anyway.” I took a deep breath again. “You can do this. You will do this successfully.” After attempting to pep talk myself I didn’t necessarily feel better. But I felt more prepared to face the world. Time to get my shit together. War waits for no one.</p><p>Making my way to Solas’ cabin was a bit difficult. But keeping the tavern in my mind’s eye I managed to find my way to the steps leading there. The chimney was putting out smoke, so I assumed he was inside and took another deep breath; Christ I do a lot of those. Knocking seems to startle him as I heard a sharp crack and a low cursing. “come in.” He announced. I couldn’t help my small giggle upon seeing him absolutely covered in some kind of red, slimy liquid. The glass vial was in pieces on the floor. “Oh!” Bewildered he went to pick up the pieces before thinking better of it. He shook his head as if remembering he was supposed to be graceful a put together. Using magic he cleared the liquid and glass and tossed it into the fire before straightening and clearing his throat.</p><p>I was merely smirking and waiting politely. Then an idea popped into my head. I entered and closed the door behind me. “So, I suppose you have questions.” I shot at him as I went to sit on his bed. I only have two modes, extremely ladylike or completely casual. Only casual involved me being able to get into the mindset for this conversation. </p><p>“Yes.” He responded. Then the awkward silence followed. Shit. I was so worried about being emotionally and mentally ready for this conversation that I didn’t think about what I wanted to talk about!</p><p>I face palmed. “Mother of a fuck. I forgot what we were going to talk about. If you don’t mind, I no longer have the energy to do any sort of masking or filtering right now.”</p><p>He let out a loud, barking laugh. “Yes, I suppose that would happen. You’ve been without your medication for a while.” </p><p>I rubbed my neck and looked at the ground. But then I smirked and shrugged. “Shit happens sometimes.” Then I walked over to the fire before sitting in front of in and watching it. Often watching something like this helped me feel like I could focus. </p><p>“That should help as well.” He commented. </p><p>Whipping around, “The fuck?” I shook my head of that. Of course, he’d know that. </p><p>“So tell me if I’m wrong,” I started, returning my attention to the fire. He sat behind me wit his back against me. </p><p>“This should help as well.” He explained when I paused. I nodded.</p><p>“So… You’ve seen some of my worst and best memories.”</p><p>“yes.”</p><p>“Including all of my abusive relationships?”</p><p>“yes.” His responses were kind in tone but short and too the point. Something I greatly appreciated. </p><p>“Including when I was raped and beaten?”</p><p>“and the narcissistic emotional and mental abuse you found in many partners after that.” At least I didn’t have to explain that.</p><p>“My mental illnesses?”</p><p>“yes. Now may I tell you what else I saw?” </p><p>“yup.” I responded.</p><p>“I saw the many ways you found to escape. You used music, video games, books, and your own creative mind to get yourself through it. You built your own world in your head to work through it. I saw the wisdom and knowledge you took from your harsh lessons. You took everything everyone gave you good or bad and turned into fuel for your own growth. Your world showed you coldness and abandonment, but you never let it kill your compassion and empathetic nature. You’ve gained much emotional and mental strength while still allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to those around you. I’ve seen the intelligence and ingenuity with which you solve your problems. You’d rather face your demons and enemies than run. No matter how much you want to.” He stated all of this as if it were fact. “remember to breathe.” </p><p>I didn’t realize it, but I had started holding my breath. I felt extremely uncomfortable. To have someone see all of the bad, the rage, the depression, the self-harm, all of the ways I’m not improving or better and still see my good parts, my goals, my battle scars, and treat me with kindness. Tears ran down my cheeks. Solas sat with me while I sobbed. He told me that it was ok. That I needed to let it out. He provided a hanker-chief. When I was done, I cleaned up my face. “What should I do with this?” My voice was hoarse but soft. I wasn’t ready to speak yet. He took it from me and tossed it in a basket by the door. It was filled it other cloth, so I assumed it was a laundry basket. “Thank you.” I met his eyes and tried to convey how much that meant to me. Although he smiled softly as if he already knew. </p><p>“It was what I needed when my world crumbled.” I was shocked at his vulnerability. “I tried my best to find out as much as possible about you. Then I research any gaps in the fade. You are correct. I do have questions, as do you. We’ll get to them.” He seemed to be struggling through this sentence but never wavered on eye contact. “I want you to know that you are not alone.”</p><p>A realization hit me just then, “The weight of the world cannot be merely held by one. It demands to be shared.” I replied with understanding. “Thank you Solas. I appreciate you doing this for me. I know I’m not alone in being slow to trust.”</p><p>He chuckled. “Don’t rush. Be yourself. Gather all the information you can. I believe Josephine will want to see you tomorrow. While it is early, I would suggest you get some rest. I’d be happy to help you get to sleep.”</p><p>“Oh! Yay! I was going to ask about that actually.” I began out the door with Solas not far behind. “I have a feeling the words ‘I know’ will be thrown around a lot in the next month or so. At least while we are all getting used to each other.”</p><p>“I know.” He responded mischievously smirking. </p><p>“I walked right into that one.” We walked the rest of the way in silence. This silence was very comfortable. It gave me room with my thoughts. When we got inside my cabin, he simply brought his fingers to my temple. Everything went black and exhaustion took over immediately.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Boot Camp</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ill be updating this as i write. not the whole chapter.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's been a while. Had a strong mental breakdown that I had to deal with. but I started chapter three. enjoy. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I shielded my eyes from the brightness of the sky when I opened my eyes. I’ve spent a lot of time in dark places to it tends to blind me. A warm breeze glided across my skin an carried the scent of lavender in its wake. When my eyes adjusted, I found myself in a clearing. the grass was a green so richly green. I had never seen that kind of green before. It was beautiful. Beyond the clearing was a forest that seemed to be ancient. The trees tall and wide, bigger than the skyscrapers of New York. The whole area was teeming with life and beauty. It took my breath away. A realization hit me like a brick.</p><p>“This has to be the fade.” I took a small moment to process that before I shot up. I felt excitement and curiosity course through my veins. With a grin on my face I decided to try an experiment. I began my meditation. </p><p>Breathe in.<br/>Hold… 1… 2… 3…4 …<br/>Breathe out.</p><p>Breathe in.<br/>Hold… 1… 2… 3… 4…<br/>Breathe out.</p><p>I repeated this process until I was no longer aware of my breath. I brought her image into my mind. Her sweet brown eyes, soft and fluffy blonde fur, cute stubby legs, and the fluffiest of butts. I made sure I brought every detail I could into my mind. </p><p>I then felt a little paw tap my leg. “Freya!!!!!!!” I couldn’t contain my joy. Here she was, exactly as I remember. I gave her all of the attention she asked for before she laid down next to me to enjoy the sun. Then I laid back myself. I guess this is a spirit that identified with her. I wonder what kind it is? I sighed. “oh well. Might as well keep meditating. Surround ourselves in peace eh baby girl?” Scratching behind her ears I settled back. </p><p>I got back into a meditative state and visualized my energy. Visualizing my energy growing from my core I called it to surround me. Then I made it a seed and planted it beneath me. <br/> It was a lot easier in the fade. I have always been very good at visualization and feeling energy but here it was magnified almost tenfold. I was able to draw on the energy of the fade to assist where I normally would have called on my ancestors and spirit guides. It was almost too intense at first. But then I was able to guide it to the seed. I kept filling the seed as it grew roots. Those roots connected and wound their way around the fade until I no longer had to feed it. Then I focused my energy to guide the seed to grow. First a bud, then a twig, a stick, a small tree, and then finally a fully matured Rowan tree. Otherwise known as Mountain Ash. The branches spread wide as the leaves unfurl. The scarlet berries sprouted then grew fat and fruitful. Then I created my own chakra centers within this tree. </p><p>“As above, So below. As this tree is strong so am i. As it is healthy, as am i. This tree and I are one. As I care for this tree, I care for myself.” I repeated this 9 times for each chakra. This is to be my foundation of strength and peace in this world. A place for me to heal the hurts that salves, and potions couldn’t. I know myself well. If I don’t build this now, I’m likely to crumble at the first sign of stress. I won’t let that happen again. <br/>When I opened my eyes I was leaning against the very tree I imagined. As I turned to look at it I noticed smooth, oval gemstones that glowed with my heartbeat. Each color and placement corresponding with its chakra. Smiling I closed my eyes again. “now for protection.” I traced a circle in my mind's eye of the clearing and allowed its purifying light to rid the area of anything malicious. Then It expanded wide until it formed a perfect sphere. I gave it its purpose, Protection. I felt when it locked into place. </p><p>I pet Freya and snuggled up next to her. I finally felt safe enough to rest. I settled in the nap, might as well take advantage of my time for double rest! Making myself chuckle I closed my eyes and slipped into darkness.</p><p> </p><p>My eyes blinked open once more. But this time it seemed I was actually awake. Someone had clearly been in here as the fire was already crackling a steady hum. There were clothes set out on a nearby chair. Along with a filled and steaming tub. I’m guessing this was Josephine’s doing. Something I greatly appreciated. </p><p>I practically tore my clothing off. I couldn’t wait to soak off the last several days. Sinking into the nearly scalding water didn’t phase me. I loved the heat. In my rush, I nearly didn’t notice the faint glow of something at the bottom of the tub. Glowing faintly blue was what I would assume to be a rune. But instead of the blocky dwarven examples, I’ve seen it was flowing, nearly graceful. The swirling trigram almost looked like a Celtic knot. But not… I stared at it for another moment until it hit me. It looked elven! </p><p>“well, looks like I have more questions for you Solas,” I muttered. Beside the bath were bottles lined up as well as an accompanying note. </p><p>Dyvania,</p><p>On behalf of the inner circle. We hope this brings you some peace today. On the desk is a set of instructions of how to apply the breast wrap for both casual and exercise use. The provided bottles are as follows:</p><p>From the left<br/>Hair cleansing oil (roots only)<br/>Hair conditioning oil (ends only)<br/>Body cleansing oil</p><p>We chose a rose scent for you. Cassandra says it’s your favorite. Please meet us at the chantry at your earliest convenience.</p><p>Sincerely,<br/>Josephine, Leliana, and Cassandra</p><p>Tears pricked my eyes. This is something like what I’ve always done for people I believed were my friends. No one has ever paid this much attention to making sure I was comfortable and at peace. After letting myself feel their kindness for as long as I could stand it I took some deep breathes and got busy with personal grooming. I wanted to soak until the heat was gone from the water but that ‘rune?’ was keeping the water at the perfect temperature. Having no way to tell how long I’d been in there I dried myself and got dressed. I had a few hiccups with the breast wrap but once I got it on…. So much comfort. I was cursed with large breasts from a young age. The constant aches and pains from the bras and the weight just made for being perpetually uncomfy. But this was just cloth. Soft and incredibly supportive without hanging over my shoulder. The concept was simple. I essentially made support on my lower rib cage and lifting up, but not pressing down, I wrapped up until I felt secure. It came with a bottle of something that I guessed was a glue that kept it secure in its wrapping but was also applied on the top and bottom of the cloth skin side to keep it in place. I already prefer this system.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Everyone is welcome to let me know what they think. This is my first time posting any of my work and I would love feedback.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>